At My Lowest Point

In recognition of PTSD Awareness Month, I am sharing a chapter from my book, Transforming Trauma

Prologue: Thirteen months after he violently reoffended came the day that changed my life forever. That day, I felt like my world started spinning out of control and I had no idea how to stop it. That was the beginning of a journey that would change my life completely.

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In Canada, the official term for first responders is Public Safety Personnel, and they are twice as likely to suffer from PTSD than the general population. It was estimated that up to 45% of people in these careers screen positive for at least one mental health condition, with approximately 23% being PTSD.

Out of all Public Safety careers, Correctional Officers had a profoundly higher rate with over 54% screening positive for one or more mental health conditions.

When I looked up these statistics, I felt a heaviness in my heart that I haven’t felt in a long time. It was a reminder of just how many of us have suffered the insidiousness of this debilitating condition.

If you have been affected by PTSD, or any other mental health condition as a result of your career or in any other way, you are not alone. And you are more than just a statistic or label. You are a human being who deserves compassion and understanding.

No matter what the system tells us, PTSD is not something we are destined to live with forever. We can do more than learn to manage it. With the right resources, and the willingness and determination to overcome it, PTSD can become a chapter of our lives and not something we simply learn to live with.

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The following is Chapter One from Transforming Trauma:

At My Lowest Point

There are parts of ourselves that we keep deeply hidden away from everyone. Sometimes even from ourselves if we are in denial about what, and how serious our injuries are. At least this was the case for me.

I kept most of what I was struggling with to myself, which also meant I was isolating myself from everyone I cared about. I did this because I didn’t think my friends and family would be able to understand. I also felt a lot of shame for struggling so much at times. How do you tell your friends and family that it feels impossible to go on? That you’re not even sure you want to go on. That you feel like you’re a complete failure. It just seemed easier to keep everything to myself.

At my lowest points I was dealing with sleep deprivation, nightmares, extreme hypervigilance, flashbacks, panic attacks and soul crushing anxiety. It was a terribly lonely and sad time in my life. I carried a lot. It was heavy and I carried it alone. I was alone most of the time with my destructive thoughts. I went to sleep sad and woke up to nightmares and panic attacks. Sadness, fear, anxiety and shame were always with me. Every day felt like a never ending battle just to survive.

It felt as though I had fallen into a deep dark hole with no way out. If you’ve ever fallen down that hole you’ll understand what I’m talking about. There are demons down there and their only purpose is to keep you down there. They constantly judge you, mock you and tell you that no one cares about you.

They have this way of getting you to believe that you are worthless and that no one could ever love you the way you are. They tell you you’re a broken mess, that you’re not good enough, that you’ll never get better so you should just stop trying. A lot of people can’t understand thoughts like this and that’s why I kept myself so isolated. I was afraid if anyone knew, they would judge me, and at the time I was already judging myself incredibly harshly. I just couldn’t face judgement from anyone else.

The exhaustion I felt also kept me in isolation. It’s very difficult to explain this type of exhaustion. It doesn’t come from just a lack of sleep. This kind of exhaustion comes from being in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze. My nervous system was always on high alert, looking for signs of danger everywhere I went. No matter the environment I was in, I was constantly scanning my surroundings looking for potential danger. I still do this. This is not something that can be easily controlled and if there is a way to control it, I haven’t figured it out yet.

I used to feel emotionally numb all the time. It felt like nothing could shock me anymore. I didn’t feel joy or happiness and could barely even remember what those felt like. I think we numb ourselves in order to keep going on and so we can keep doing our jobs. But when we numb ourselves to stop feeling the bad stuff we are also no longer able to feel the good stuff in life either.

I felt so alone all of the time, even when I was with people. Being with people when you have to keep a mask on is a very lonely feeling. Just keep smiling and laughing so no one sees how broken you actually feel.

I didn’t feel safe anywhere, including my own home at times. I began double locking my doors and sleeping with weapons beside my bed. I still sleep with a weapon next to my bed, but the difference now is I don’t check to make sure it’s there every time I wake up throughout the night.

Throughout this journey, I’ve had people in my life who meant well tell me that I needed to go back to work. They said it would help me feel better. But how could that help me feel better when being at work is what caused my injury in the first place? The thought of being at work, in any workplace at the time was extremely anxiety inducing. They told me it wasn’t healthy for me to be living like a retired person at my age. What they failed to recognize, or even try to understand, was that I was fighting to regain control over my life, not living like I was retired. The fact that people couldn’t understand this was frustrating and kept me isolating myself.

I’m sharing all of this with you so you can see just how bad things had become for me at one time. Not to gain sympathy, but so you know there is hope. I’ve come a long way since then and I barely recognize the person I used to be. It wasn’t easy though. Essentially, I had to burn my old life down to the ground before I could start to rebuild something better. It was a grueling process but I have walked out of the ashes a much better version of myself. That’s the beauty of this journey. I get to recreate myself and the life I truly want to live. And you can do the same.

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Since that day my life was forever changed, I have learned a great deal about complex trauma and post traumatic injuries. I’ve also implemented many different things into my post traumatic recovery plan, including the use of psychedelic medicine.

Have you ever wondered what psychedelics can do for PTSD? Have you ever thought about using psychedelics to help in your post traumatic recovery? I also wondered before I started microdosing psilocybin mushrooms, more commonly known as magic mushrooms. It’s unconventional, but it has taken my recovery to the next level and I would not be where I am today without it.

Many people who receive a PTSD diagnosis are not presented with a lot of options. Basically, a doctor tells you what medication they think is appropriate for you. Then you are referred to a psychologist or a psychiatrist, or in some cases, both. The emphasis is placed on medication and therapy but no one really tells you what you can expect in therapy.

No one tells you that the traumas that caused your injury are not all in your mind. They don’t tell you that trauma is also trapped in your nervous system. Nobody tells you about alternative therapies or how to start healing your nervous system. No one tells you that you cannot recover while working in the same environment where your injury happened. And I learned the hard way that you absolutely cannot recover while working in the same environment that caused your injury. I was not the exception to this and neither are you.

I am not a trained expert on complex trauma recovery. I am simply someone who has walked the path. Someone who continues to walk the path. Someone who has utilized therapy, as well as a few other healing modalities to recover from complex trauma.

If you have ever considered using psychedelics in your post traumatic recovery, follow me as I take you through the realities of what it’s like to live with a post traumatic stress injury, and what it’s like to recover using both conventional and unconventional methods.

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So much has changed in my life since I originally wrote this. Hyper vigilance no longer runs my life, and I no longer sleep with weapons next to my bed. I finally have a sense of safety I didn’t think I would ever feel. And as I was reading through this, I barely recognized that version of me.

I am so grateful that I never gave up and that I followed my inner wisdom rather than relying on the system’s version of healing and recovery.

If you saw, or felt yourself in any of this, you are not alone. I’ve been sharing my journey here for a while, but it’s always been about more than just me.

It’s about all of us.

It’s about showing the world what’s possible when we are finally able to step out of the darkness and light the way for others to do the same.

It’s about personal growth becoming collective transformation.

It’s about remembering that none of us walk this path alone.

Because when one of us heals, we all rise.

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During the whole month of June, the paperback copy of Transforming Trauma is 50% off. And starting June 15th until midnight on June 19th, the Kindle edition is completely free 👇

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As always, I’m so grateful to have you here, walking alongside me on this journey of self-discovery. If this post resonated, clicking the little heart below, or sharing it helps others in our Collective find it too. And if you feel called to support my work further, a coffee is always appreciated 🙏💖👇