The Illusion of the Old Self

That Version Was Built for Survival—Healing Is Remembering Our Truth

The reason healing from trauma feels so damn hard (especially in the beginning) is because deep down, we’re trying to go backward. But healing doesn’t let us rewind. It rips us apart and demands that we rebuild from the ground up. 

Photo by me…sunrise over Okanagan Lake

When most people are at the beginning of their healing journey, I hear the same thing again and again:

“I just want to feel like my old self again.”

I used to feel that way too. In the early days of my PTSD recovery, I longed for that version of me who wasn’t consumed by flashbacks, panic attacks, hypervigilance, and exhaustion. I thought healing meant getting back to “normal.” But as I moved further into the process, I realized something important:

Healing isn’t about going back to who we used to be. Healing is about becoming who we truly are.

Why We Want Our “Old Self” Back

That desire to be our old self isn’t really about wanting to be that person again. It’s more about wanting something that feels familiar. Something that feels safe when life starts spinning out of control.

For me, the out of control feeling came when I first turned to the system for help. I was told I needed pharmaceutical medication, and a therapist. While I refused the pharmaceuticals, I was guided toward therapy options I didn’t fully understand. I went along because I didn’t feel like I had any other choice if I was going to get back to feeling like my familiar old self. At that point, I was trying to survive, so I put my trust in the system. 

Living in survival mode makes us cling to what we know, even if what we know isn’t what’s best for us. Even if it’s painful. That familiarity is what feels comfortable and grounding to us in the midst of chaos. 

"Healing is a coming to terms with things as they are, rather than struggling to force them to be as they once were, or as we would like them to be, to feel secure or to have what we sometimes think of as our own way."

- Jon Kabat-Zinn

Healing Means Stepping Into the Unknown

The early stages of healing can feel like we’re being ripped away from everything familiar. And in many ways, we are. It feels hard because we resist letting go of the identity we built to survive.

Trauma forces us to create coping mechanisms, behaviours, and even entire identities just to get through each day. Healing asks us to take an honest look at those patterns and slowly let them go. That can be incredibly vulnerable and uncomfortable.

It feels hard because our ego resists.

The ego doesn’t care if the familiar is painful. It only cares that it’s known. Healing means stepping into the unknown, and our ego will do everything it can to pull us back into what’s familiar and comfortable. That’s why it’s the ego part of us that says, “I just want to be my old self again.”

It feels hard because the mind alone can’t do it.

Society treats mental health as a problem of the mind. But trauma lives in the body, the nervous system, and the energy field. We cannot think our way out of trauma. And that’s why so many people feel stuck when they only approach healing from a mental perspective. This was definitely the case for me before I understood that a holistic approach to healing is essential for optimal wellbeing.  

"You're afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety."

-Elizabeth Gilbert

There’s No Going Back

The reality is that the “old self” we miss was merely surviving, not truly living and thriving. They built walls for protection and wore so many masks just to make it through another day. They lived in survival mode, disconnected from their true essence, from their authenticity.

Healing dismantles those walls. 

Healing asks us to take off the masks. 

Healing calls us back to the essence of who we really are, not our old identity.

So once we start healing, there’s no going back. It can be terrifying, but it’s actually the greatest gift we could give ourselves.

The Energetic Side of Healing

What shifted everything for me was learning to see healing (and literally everything) through the lens of energy, frequency, and vibration.

Yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, and plant medicine didn’t just help regulate my nervous system, they helped to raise my vibration. And as my energy shifted, I stopped longing for my old self. Instead, I started glimpsing the life waiting for me on the other side of my healing.

Through somatic practices and energy healing modalities, I began to release the emotions that trauma had deeply imprinted in my nervous system. With each release, and each layer I peeled back, more space was created for new experiences. My body felt lighter, my mind more hopeful, and my spirit more free.

And I began to see that healing and manifestation are deeply connected.

Whether we realize it or not, we are always manifesting our reality based on our energetic frequency, and our energy is magnetic. If we are stuck in lower frequencies like fear, anger, shame, or regret, we attract experiences that match those vibrations. 

But as we raise our vibration through practices that promote healing, we begin to manifest experiences based in love, compassion, and gratitude. It’s like tuning into a radio station. We can only tune in to the station clearly when the dial matches the frequency of that station. And we are like that dial.

Understanding this is when life truly started to shift.

The “Old Self” Served Its Purpose

Healing from trauma is not quick. It’s not easy, and there are no shortcuts. It demands courage, patience, and a willingness to sit in the discomfort of transformation. It’s like the caterpillar who has lived life a certain way until it cocoons and emerges as the beautiful butterfly. Healing is like that cocoon stage. It’s deeply transformative in the best ways.

The journey has never been about reclaiming the “old self.” That version of us served its purpose because it helped us survive. Healing invites us into that cocoon so we can transform and emerge as a new version of ourselves.

One who is no longer weighed down by survival.

One who has dismantled the walls and dropped the masks.

One who lives from authenticity, not fear, anger, or shame.

So if you’re just beginning your healing journey and find yourself wishing you could just feel like your “old self “again, I want you to know this: 

You are not meant to go back.

You will never be your “old self” again. And that’s the whole point, because what waits on the other side of the pain and struggling isn’t a return to the past. It’s moving forward, toward feeling freer, lighter, and more alive than you’ve ever been.

"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."

- Tori Amos

An Invitation to Reflect

As you sit with all of this, I invite you to ask yourself the following questions: 

Where in my life am I still clinging to the “old self”?

What survival patterns, walls, or masks am I being asked to let go of?

What glimpses of my authentic self have I already begun to see?

These questions aren’t meant to be answered all at once. They’re meant to be carried with you, guiding you deeper into your healing and awakening.

Because healing and manifesting the life your soul came here to live are not separate journeys. 

They walk hand in hand. As we heal, we raise our vibration. And as we raise our vibration, we naturally begin to manifest a life that matches our soul’s highest expression.

And while this path is deeply personal, you don’t have to walk it alone. I’ve been working on something new. Something that will support both your healing and your manifestation journey in a deeper, more connected way. It’s still unfolding, but I’ll be sharing more about it very soon.

For now, just know that you’re not meant to go back. You’re meant to rise and move forward. And what’s waiting for you on the other side of healing is more powerful, more expansive, and more beautiful than you can even imagine right now.

The “old self” survived and got you to this point. The authentic self is here to thrive. And the next step of this journey is just beginning.

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